


strawberry blonde

by azumarheart



Series: Stranger Things: Character Studies [3]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Billy Hargrove Redemption, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Child Abuse, Divorce, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Pre-Canon, a look into Max's past, and a bit after, and her thoughts throughout the 2nd and 3rd season of the show, anger issues, its good i promise plz read this lol, not super heavy physical violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 01:35:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21979120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azumarheart/pseuds/azumarheart
Summary: Max has heard the term ‘fiery’ used for her way too often for comfort. Yes her hair is red. Yes she’s stubborn and passionate. The term grows old after a while though.The thing is, Max hasn’t always been ‘fiery’ and ‘hotheaded’ and ‘stubborn’.Once upon a time, she was a perfectly happy little girl.aka a character study of Maxine Mayfield and how her background influenced her choices
Relationships: Billy Hargrove & Maxine "Max" Mayfield, Eleven | Jane Hopper & Maxine "Max" Mayfield, Eleven | Jane Hopper/Mike Wheeler, Maxine "Max" Mayfield/Lucas Sinclair
Series: Stranger Things: Character Studies [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1578667
Comments: 9
Kudos: 52





	strawberry blonde

**Author's Note:**

> I planned to focus on Max in seasons 2 and 3 but i couldn’t help going deep into her backstory. It's relevant too build up her background!
> 
> If it helps anyone for me to note this: the lava is a metaphor for anger/aggression levels.
> 
> I've spent so many hours in the last few days writing this. I'm so tired. Worth it though lol
> 
> Please leave a comment if you enjoyed!

Max has heard the term ‘fiery’ used for her way too often for comfort. Yes, her hair is red. Yes, she’s stubborn and passionate. The term grows old after a while though.

The thing is, Max hasn’t always been ‘fiery’ and ‘hotheaded’ and ‘stubborn’.

Once upon a time, she was a perfectly happy little girl.

Maxine grew up in a beach-side town in California. Her parents were happy people, ones who were settled and peaceful and kind. Good people. Maxine spent her free time on the beach, picking up shells with her mother and splashing through the waves with her father.

Her mother tended to coddle her, but as an only child, Maxine didn’t mind much. The attention was nice. She just didn’t like girly things that much.

As she grew up, she clung more to her dad. Sam Mayfield was a cool dad. He would watch scary movies with her late at night and let her practice driving his car. Even though she just steered while sitting in his lap, it was exhilarating.

So as Maxine got older, she got more adventurous, and became more of a ‘tomboy’. She picked up skateboarding and spent hours upon hours practicing tricks. Hearing her dad cheer her on made her thrive.

Susan Mayfield, however, was a cautious woman at heart. She flinched at loud noises, gripped her seatbelt tight in the car, and got faint at the sight of blood. This meant that Maxine’s growing reckless nature, with the bloody knees and crashing into things, caused a great deal of worry for her mother.

Maxine doesn’t really know what started the fighting. On bad days, she thinks it was her fault. She got too crazy and caused a bunch of issues. When she was rational, however, she could see the truth.

While her parents had seemed settled and happy, they were anything but. Her parents clashed on a lot of topics and were polar opposite people. Their fights were quiet but vicious, and usually ended with her mother retreating in silence.

And soon enough, they sat her down one day and brought up the term ‘divorce’.

They stayed together for a while until they could find places to live and wait until paperwork was settled. In the meantime, Susan began to date a man named Neil Hargrove: who was a friend of a friend of a friend. Before she knew it, Max was being uprooted to live with Neil and his son.

Suddenly, Maxine, at 10 and a half years old, was taken from her beautiful beach-side home and her father. The only person she’d really had a strong connection to. And then she was living with a hotheaded boy and some man who gave her the heebie-jeebies.

Maxine got angry. She became closed-off.

She lost her friends from her previous school. She didn't try very hard to make new ones.

The first time Neil called her Maxine, it sounded like nails on a chalkboard to her. This man who was supposed to be her ‘new father’ didn’t deserve to call her that name. Maxine was a pretty name. Her real dad picked it out. He used to tuck her into bed at night with a song he made up.

“Maxine, Maxine, my beautiful queen. To you, Maxine, I’ll never be mean. With hair so bright like a pretty tangerine. Maxine, Maxine, you’re my lil’ jellybean!” he’d sing, using a funny voice that always made her giggle.

Hearing Neil’s voice butcher her name tore something up in her.

“Max. My name is Max,” she grumbled out. Neil just stared at her for far too long, before shrugging.

“Alright then Max. This is your new brother, Billy.”

*****

Billy was a _jerk_.

All he did was push and push and push. He was a ‘little shit’. That’s what Neil said all the time. Billy got into fights at school, and took money from Susan’s purse, and always tried to bug Max.

She grumbled to her mom about Billy some nights, but her mother would just smile softly and pet her hair.

“Billy’s not bad, baby girl,” her mother tried to soothe. Susan laughed when she was met with Max’s raised eyebrow.

“Alright, yes, he’s kind of a badly-behaved kid. But you gotta remember what he’s going through. His mom just left him and Neil. It’d be like if your daddy just left out of the blue one day. It’s been hard for him to deal with. So please try to play nice, okay?”

Max sighed dramatically and nodded.

Of course, Susan didn’t know at the time exactly why Billy’s mom had left. But in time, Neil’s abusive behavior slowly emerged.

Max had noted that Neil didn’t treat Billy very warmly, but it was information in the back of her mind. It wasn’t raising any alarms.

But once Susan and Neil got married, he apparently decided to be more open about it. And he’d been holding back.

It all started one night when Billy had neglected to wash the dishes. He was maybe 14 years old and Max was 11. Max knew that Billy had forgotten to do his chores because he had a big essay due and was working hard on it. They were sitting in the den, both doing homework.

But Neil didn’t know this. Max thinks that even if he had, he wouldn’t have cared.

“Billy!” Neil’s voice yelled out. It was a controlled yell, and Max registered it as normal. It sounded like Neil was just trying to find Billy.

But the way Billy stiffened ramrod straight across from her made her pulse pick up.

Footsteps pounded across the wood floors until Neil was in the doorway. Max glanced at Billy’s hand, clenched hard around his pencil, before looking back to Neil. Neil’s face was seemingly calm, but Max could see the twitch in his brow and the vein throbbing in his neck.

“Care to tell me why you didn’t do the one simple chore I asked of you, son?”

Neil’s voice was much quieter this time, but it held more power. Max felt herself shrink into her chair even though he hadn’t even spared her a glance.

“I-I-I just...” Billy trailed off. His voice was shaky and soft in a way Max had never ever heard it before.

“Speak _up_ boy. I asked you why the hell my dishes aren’t clean.”

“I have an essay to write. And I was too focused on it, I just forgot,” Billy said.

A tense silence followed.

“Well. You just _forgot_ , huh? And doing homework? You _really_ wanna pull that lie on me? I’ve seen your fuckin grades Billy; I know you don’t do your damn work.”

Billy opened his mouth to reply, but Neil stomped a few steps toward him. Billy flinched.

“Ah ah ah. Don’t you fucking lie to me again. I don’t want to hear it,” Neil cut him off.

“But I-“ Billy started.

Before he could finish, Neil took the last few steps, and swung his hand to backhand Billy. Max’s eyes grew wide and she gripped the couch cushion tight underneath her hands. She watched as Neil stepped back and Billy’s throat bobbed heavily, before Billy turned back with tears in his eyes.

“Clean. The. Dishes. You’ve got 5 minutes,” Neil finished, before leaving the room.

The silence that followed was heavy. Max watched as a few tears fell from Billy’s eyes. She jumped up and moved to the couch beside him.

“Billy? Are you okay? Do you need some ice?” Max asked softly.

Like a switch, jerk Billy was back. He pushed her away as he stood and scoffed.

“I’m fine; get away from me Maxine. Just finish your damn homework,” he grumbled, before leaving the room as well.

As he walked away, she asked herself ‘why does he have to be so mean?’

Suddenly, it clicked in her brain. Max was a smart girl.

This was why Billy was so bad all the time. His dad took away his control and made him feel little. So, Billy did the same to others to feel in control again. It was a defense mechanism.

And this was why Billy’s mom had left. Max didn’t quite get why she wouldn’t have taken Billy with her. If this was a common thing, then why wouldn’t his mom protect him from Neil? Max frowned as she realized that Billy was probably even madder at the world because of that. He probably felt like mom didn’t want him or didn’t care about him.

Max felt sad for Billy. She really did.

*****

The abuse snowballed after that night. Once Neil had seen that Max wouldn’t push back at him, and that Susan was too meek to do anything but cringe from the sidelines, he resumed his normal torment of his son.

Max was safe for whatever reason, but she listened on as Neil began to manipulate her mother. It drove her nuts. But her mom was an adult and Max had to trust that she would make the right decisions.

Billy got more riled up. He pushed more and more. And Susan got quieter and Max got angrier and angrier that no one was standing up for Billy. He wasn’t the nicest person, but he was a kid. And he didn’t deserve to be hurt.

And one summer morning, Max got fed up. So, when Neil was in the middle of a yelling episode with Billy before he left for work (Susan having left already), Max butted her way in between the two of them.

“Leave him alone!” she shouted.

Unfortunately, she had timed her entrance awfully, and hadn’t noticed that Neil’s hand was coming down. His fist met her cheek, and she flew to the ground.

“Shit. Sorry Max. Just... don’t tell your mom,” he grunted. Neil made his escape and left for work.

Max lay crumpled on the floor, tears burning hot in her eyes. Her cheek ached and her head pounded. She choked back the whimpers that wanted to come out and dug her fingernails into her palm.

“Here,” Billy said softly. He reached his hand out and pulled her up. The gentleness surprised her.

Billy lead her to the kitchen, where he pulled out an icepack from the fridge. He pressed it carefully to her cheek and allowed her to hold it.

“Listen Max. I know this shit’s fucked up. I know Neil is an asshole. I’m sure it’s fucked to watch happen. But I need you to step back,” Billy parsed out slowly, leaning against the kitchen counter.

Max opened her mouth to interject, but he raised his hand.

“I get it. Your instinct is to fight back. We’re similar like that. But I’ve gotten the shit kicked out of me enough to know that it doesn’t fucking work. He doesn’t back down. You just gotta bow your head and let him get his anger out.”

“This shit makes me angry. It feels like fuckin lava bubbling inside me. I can’t let it out on him, so I let it out on other people. I’m a dangerous person Max. But I don’t want you to become like me. You’re too good of a kid for that. And....I apologize in advance if I ever let my anger out on you. I can’t control it.”

“So, listen to me when I say this; don’t stand up for me. I can take it,” Billy finishes.

“So could I. You don’t deserve to deal with this alone. You can’t take all that burden on your shoulders,” Max replied, stubborn as ever.

“Yes, I fucking can Max!” he said, raising his voice. Max swallowed thickly as he got that angry look in his expression again.

“Just listen to me. And I know I haven’t really given you a reason to: but trust me. Please.”

With that said, Billy left the room.

Max pressed the icepack to her face harder.

Billy had shown her a side of himself that she never could have imagined existed. Deep down, he really was a nice person. He wanted to be good. Max could see that now.

But she didn’t know how to help. If Billy wouldn’t let her face Neil, then what good was she? She couldn’t stop Neil and she couldn’t help Billy channel his anger better. She was just a kid.

Things seemed to stay the same, but they really did change. Gone was the underlying hostility between Max and Billy. A certain level of understanding and tolerance took its place.

*****

Max called her dad once a week, but he never picked up. She didn’t understand _why_. Susan always watched her sadly and it _infuriated_ Max.

Her dad was always close with her. Her dad always _cared_. Why did some distance change that?

One weekend, Max got fed up. She knew her dad was still living in their previous house. So, she hopped on a bus with her skateboard and rode down to the beach-side home she grew up in.

When she knocked on the door, a black-haired woman opened it. Max stared at the woman, feeling something building inside her. Maybe the lava that Billy had talked about.

“Oh. Dear. You’re Maxine, aren’t you? I’ve seen you in some of Sam’s photos,” the woman chirped, smiling big. The lava inside Max crept higher.

“Yeah. Is he here? I want to talk to him,” Max replied, trying to be polite as she could.

“Um... I’m not sure if he’s really available right now...” the woman trailed off nervously, glancing behind her.

“Who’s at the door?” her dad called from inside. The woman turned further, allowing Max to peek inside.

The walls were repainted from a soft blue to an ugly glaring orange. The previously wood floors had been replaced by a thick white carpet. And down the hall sat her father on the living room couch. A baby lay sleeping on his chest, and another small child was tucked up under his arm.

He had time for two young children and a new woman, but not enough time to call his daughter back? Did she mean so little to him? Was she that forgettable? Was he that cruel?

Max made eye contact with him. The lava erupted.

She swung her board before she could even realize what she was doing and knocked down a planter on the front porch. The ceramic container shattered on the doorstep and the woman jumped back with a gasp.

“Maxine!” her dad shouted from inside the house. Max watched as he set down the baby and began to storm towards the door.

“I mean so little to you, huh?! You just replaced me with two stupid little kids! You really can’t even pick up a single phone call? Did you ever care about me? I thought you loved me!” Max shouted, hot tears rolling down her cheeks.

Sam looked shocked at her outburst. His mouth was gaped open, but Max interrupted him before he could speak.

“Now I’m stuck with my anxious mother and shitty asshole stepdad and jerk of a stepbrother and you couldn’t care less! I never want to see you again!” she finished, before spinning around and skating away.

Max could hear her father call out behind her, but she was too busy sobbing and trying to navigate the sidewalk to care.

She didn't even let her dad speak. She wasn't a good daughter.

Her ride home was silent and painful.

The night concluded with Billy getting smacked across the face and Susan clutching her pearls in the corner like a goddamn cliché.

Max could feel the lava leaking into her veins.

*****

** 1984 **

Neil told the family that they were moving to Indiana near the end of summer. Everyone stared at him in shock.

“But Neil... what about my job?” Susan asked carefully.

“With my new job, you won’t need to work as much. But they do have stores in Indiana, Susan. You’ll find something,” he said condescendingly. Susan nodded her head and turned her eyes downcast.

“Why?” Billy grumbled.

Neil turned on him with a cold stare.

“Why? I’ll tell you why. You’ve caused so much trouble in this damn town. Everyone knows me as the guy with a punk-ass son. You’ve ruined my fucking reputation you little shit. So, because of you, we’ll uproot our lives to live in fucking Indiana. And you better clean your act up Billy. If you keep pulling shit like you have, I won’t hesitate to kick your ass out. Or maybe teach you a harder lesson,” Neil gritted out. Max watched as Billy physically bit his tongue to stay quiet as Neil left the room.

Of course, this was an exaggeration. Susan let her know that Neil had just gotten a job promotion that led them to Indiana. Neil enjoyed the prospect of being away from Sam Mayfield as well.

And so, Max packed up her life again and moved to Hawkins.

*****

Through the process of the move and afterwards, Billy got meaner. More vicious.

Max guessed that he felt guilty for ‘causing the move’ like Neil had implied. Or maybe he was mad that he lost his punk friends and his weed dealer. Or maybe it was just because he was growing up and trying to deal with the prospects of his future (seeing as he was newly 17 and entering his senior year).

Either way, Billy was crueler.

Max, who was going through puberty, let her emotions get more and more out of hand. They were much harder to control. Her previous stubbornness increased tenfold and she started pushing back at Billy. Their previous unspoken truce of tolerance had dissolved somehow. He pushed and she pushed and he pushed and she snarked and he acted or spoke so similarly to Neil sometimes that it frightened her. But she didn’t let up. The lava was a part of her system now.

Billy was stuck with the chore of toting Max around town whenever she wanted. It was a punishment in Neil and Billy’s eyes, but Max couldn’t help but indulge herself. Sue her; she was just a kid who wanted to go places.

She started spending hours at the arcade, trying to find some entertainment in the boring ass town she’d been dragged to. There was no beach or skatepark or bustling city streets. It was boring with a capital ‘b’.

Max got so into the games that she often lost track of time. Which led to her being late for Billy to pick her up. The first time she was late, he left her there and she had to skate home.

Neil had beaten Billy hard that night, and Max could only cower in her room as she listened to Billy’s choked off cries of pain.

After that, he waited for her. Having them both be late led to a lighter punishment apparently.

Max tried to stop being late, but often got too absorbed in the bright colors and sounds of the arcade.

She lied to herself and justified her actions. Billy could handle Neil, right? It’s like he said that one time: he could take it, right?

But her actions just caused Billy to get angrier. And they fought more.

She was, admittedly, miserable.

She was a bad sister.

*****

Lucas and Dustin were creeps and Mike and Will were weirdos. They wouldn’t leave her alone.

Max wasn’t opposed to making friends, but she wasn’t actively seeking them. She wasn't good at being a friend. She was fine being alone. Making connections with people just led to them being torn away from her at some point. Better to stay away.

But the group of boys (mainly Lucas) were persistent, and Max eventually gave in.

It was the best and stupidest decision of her life.

It was clear that Lucas liked her. Internally, she recognized that she had a crush on him too. But she tried to play hard-to-get like she had seen Billy do with girls. She didn’t have much else to base romance off of. She wasn’t girly like girls in the movies who fell in love. She couldn’t relate to them. She couldn't act like them.

Dustin didn’t stand out to her much. She wasn’t opposed to him- just a bit neutral. Max could tell that he liked her too, but she wasn’t interested. The distance she put between them seemed to help.

Mike? Mike was a total jerk. He was extremely standoffish and constantly made smartass comments to try and scare Max off. Jokes on him- it only made her determined to stay with the group even more.

Max noted to herself that he was incredibly similar to her. They both had trouble trusting new people. They were both stubborn. They both used their smartass commentary and anger to try and ward people off. But their similarities just seemed to repel them from each other rather than attract.

Will was weird, as previously noted. The longer she hung out with the group, the more she noticed this. The way he freaked out at Halloween and in the field at school were huge indicators. She was curious as to why, since the boys all cautiously skirted around the stories of what had happened to him the year previously. Either way, red flags raised in her mind, and she was careful around him.

The thing with the group was that they wanted her included but still in the dark. They tolerated her (and Lucas begged her to stick with them), but they were secretive as hell around her. It drove her up a wall.

She hated secrets. She hated not being in the know. It made her skin itch. Max needed to know all input, all the information, all the details and expectations and clear-cut rules. It’s how she survived. It’s how she had to survive in her household with two raging abusers.

So, Max got angry with the boys. The lava levels rose, until they threatened to destroy the bond that she had spent a lot of time trying to make work with them.

Then Lucas, who was very clearly trying, and who had been trying the whole time, decided to come clean to her. And even though she was mad, she listened.

But it was just more bullshit. It was just more lies. She started to storm out of the arcade in frustration, but Lucas latched onto her arm desperately.

He begged her to trust him. Begged her to try and consider his story as a possibility.

She left.

But when Lucas showed up on her doorstep, knowing that Billy was feet away and would hurt him, promising proof, she gave in.

Max decided to give it a chance for once.

*****

Next thing Max knew, she was boarding up an old school bus with some people she truly barely knew. She took a moment to blink and considered how odd her life had become in Hawkins.

Max tried to make conversation as they waited for... whatever creature was supposedly coming. Dustin was snappy in a way that reminded her of Mike, so she bailed.

Then she was sitting on the roof as a lookout with Lucas. The fog was settled, and the stars were out, and it was so quiet and peaceful. It reminded her of nighttime on the beach. It made her miss her dad. It made her regret her rash reaction that day at his house.

"It's just...my dad's still there, so..." she forced out.

And Lucas was so kind and understanding, and actually asked her about home, and suddenly she was opening up to him. Max hinted at the concepts that her home life was shit and hostile. Looking in his eyes, she could see that he understood. His openness to listening made her nervous but willing to speak more.

"I...I don't even know why I'm telling you this. It's just... I know I can be a jerk like him sometimes, and I do _not_ want to be like him. Ever. I guess... I'm angry too and... I’m sorry."

It was silent for a beat too long, and Max tried to pull herself together.

"Jesus, what's wrong with me-" she bitterly laughed, before Lucas cut her off.

"Hey. You're nothing like your brother, okay? You're cool and different. And you're super smart."

The words made her chest warm and her cheeks flush. It was the kindest thing anyone had ever said to her. She didn't feel like a princess in the movies. This felt genuine.

" And you're like, totally tubular," he said in a funny voice, making her laugh. They bantered, before Lucas paused again. His face got serious.

"I like talking with you, Mad Max," Lucas said with a fondness to his tone.

"I like talking with you too, stalker," she smiled back.

Suddenly, a horrendous screech called from the woods.

And the fight was on.

*****

So, the monsters were real. And everything Lucas had said was real.

What. The. Fuck.

Lucas and Dustin were fighting about the decisions made to keep Dart.

Steve interrupted the boys fighting to alert them of the creatures screaming in the distance. Then they were all running towards the sound, like a bunch of idiots.

But Max followed.

She guessed that made her an idiot too.

*****

Max felt a bit useless. It didn't help that Mike was still standoffish with her.

She tried to be nice and talk about El, but he just lashed out.

"Just because you know the truth doesn't mean you're in our party."

Max's heart sank. She stuttered out an agreement.

The conversation ended just as uncomfortable.

*****

It seemed that El and Mike were perfect for each other. They both hated Max.

*****

Billy showed up at the worst possible time. And Max shook with the knowledge that if he saw her with Lucas, he'd hurt Lucas. 

Billy had to protect himself. He had to protect Max. And in his fucked-up logic, he was convinced that if Lucas was gone, they'd be safe. He knows Neil. He knows Neil wouldn't hesitate to actually kill Lucas. So, if he scared off Lucas first, everyone will stay safe.

Max knew what Billy was thinking. It was a fucked up warped dark logic, but she knew she couldn't convince him otherwise. He was scared. Like a dog. Instead of cowering in fear, he'd lash out. He'd hurt them.

Steve managed to take Lucas's place in the fight, and he started out winning. Every punch to Billy's face made her shudder.

She knew Billy was crazy. She knew that he was psycho. She knew that he was dangerous.

The lava was spilling out of him. Hot sputtering anger dripping on the walls and scorching her friends.

He warned her. He warned her all those years ago. She knew why he's like this. She knew deep down he was good. Very, very deep down. In the recess of his mind with the icepack and his gentle voice and his smile in photos with his mom.

But he was seconds from killing Steve.

So she thought fast. She grabbed the needle full of sedatives and shot him up with the liquid before she could think.

He was laughing on the floor and her own lava pit bubbled. Max grabbed Steve's nail bat and held it in position.

"From here on out, you leave me and my friends alone. Do. You. Understand?" she growled out.

The last sentence was a low blow and she knew it. It was the phrase Neil tended to use at the end of every beating or verbal torment. It was cruel for her to say it. Billy knew it. She knew it.

Max frankly didn't give a fuck. The lava was spilling out.

"Screw...you..." he murmured.

She slammed the bat down centimeters from his crotch. The movement was similar to when she had broken the flower pot on her father's doorstep. She didn't think; it just happened.

Billy's wide-eyed look at it shouldn't have been so satisfying.

"Say you understand! Say it. Say it!" Max yelled.

She made him repeat his agreement twice. Another low blow.

He passed out before she could really start to feel guilty.

*****

They saved the day. Max came out with a truckload of nightmares. But she also emerged with friends and a boyfriend, so that was nice.

Billy was calm to her again. Tolerant in the way they used to be. But she could see the resigned disappointment in his eyes.

Max knew she used Neil against him. It wasn't fair. It was mean.

Yes, she cried about it. Because although Billy and Max fought all the time and Billy was psycho and Max was a bitch, there was an unspoken level of understanding. A secret held between just the two of them. Trust.

She broke his trust. Used the one thing against him that only she could. Hit the weak spot he spent his whole life covering, when she was the only one who knew about it.

Max was a bad sister

*****

**1985 **

Max struggles with love. It isn't a surprising trait. She’s the product of divorcees and an abusive household. Max has watched Billy treat his girlfriends like disposable toys. She really hasn’t had the best role models for a healthy relationship.

She sees it tainting her relationship with Lucas. She wants to ignore it but it’s so glaringly obvious.

Because he's a dumb boy ( _her_ dumb boy), he says the wrong things sometimes. And Max sometimes overreacts or lashes out. The lava levels spike and spew out of her mouth. Seeing Lucas’s hurt expression kills her inside.

They’ve broken up briefly a few times because of it. Usually Lucas comes by with a ‘sorry’ gift like a teddy bear or a new sticker for her skateboard. Even when it's not his fault. She's had a few cries over the guilt she feels for that.

She's not a good girlfriend.

Max apologizes when she can. Apologies tend to stick in her throat, but Lucas waits. Lucas always waits for her. He’s patient with her. It means more to her than she probably could ever explain.

He’s gentle with her in a way no one has been in a very, _very_ long time.

*****

Because of Max’s weird relationship with love, she ends up giving El some shitty advice. She really just means to help and empower El. And maybe get under Mike’s skin a bit more.

She can’t help it. Mike is like an annoying little brother to her.

So, Max helps El discover her own style and take control of her womanhood. And it’s so fun.

Max hasn’t had that kind of effortless fun with a friend in a while. Especially not with a girl. Surprisingly, she likes El. She’s a sweet and funny girl at heart. A good friend.

And when El takes control and breaks up with Mike, Max is a giggly mess. The expression on Mike’s face was hilarious. And El seems so happy.

She ignores the guilt weighing deep inside her. Ignores the fact that Mike’s expression actually made her really sad and regretful. She ignores the fact that El has the same emotions painted clearly in her eyes.

It’s easier to just ignore the issues sometimes.

*****

Something’s wrong with Billy. Something’s very wrong.

Max wants to believe that he’s just acting strange. That it’s just another weird phase of rebellion he’s going through.

But when the boys call a code red and explain what’s been happening, Max’s stomach sinks. It’s clear.

The Mind Flayer got Billy.

Within the hustle and bustle of trying to solve things, Max is able to ignore her emotions on the situation. She notices El giving her worried glances. She blocks it out.

Max can block it out until they’ve got him trapped in the sauna.

Billy seems his normal heightened level of angry. But as the heat rises and the monster festers, he gets hysterical. Max trembles as he pounds on the door.

Before she knows it, she’s stepping up to the window. And sobs escape her as she sees him writhing in tears on the floor.

He begs her for forgiveness. Begs her to understand that he didn’t _want_ to hurt people. Max is shaking uncontrollably. The sounds of his wailing will be etched into her mind _forever_. It aches.

Billy is good deep down. She knows this. She remembers this. She repeats this like a mantra in her head. Max remembers the hand on her cheek and the icepack and the gentle voice he used when he called her a good kid.

Mike screams for her to move.

Billy bursts out.

But it’s not Billy anymore. It’s a monster. A monster who tries to kill her friends.

Somehow, El kicks his ass and they watch as Billy escapes into the night.

Max is still trembling when Lucas reaches for her hand. She jumps when he touches her.

“Max?” he asks softly.

She can’t turn her eyes away from the horizon. Lucas places his hand on her cheek and turns her head gently towards him.

“Hey. Max. Can you look at me?”

Max manages to break her gaze. Looking into Lucas’s wide, worried, and loving eyes breaks her further. She throws herself at him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and tucking her face into his neck. Hiding from the world and from the reality of what she had just seen.

Lucas holds her tight and cups the back of her neck in the way that makes her feel safe.

The soft touches and knowledge that Lucas knows her so well helps calm her down.

*****

Mike is a frustrating person. He always wants to be in control. He always wants to lead. It pisses Max off for some reason she doesn’t quite understand. She doesn’t really get why he does it either.

But he’s trying to tell them what El’s power limits are and Max gets a spike of lava through her limbs. And she’s pushing and pushing like she always does with Billy and Mike pushes back too. Except when he explodes finally, it’s with a different sort of statement from what Billy would have said.

_“Because I love her, and I don’t want to lose her again!”_

Then it finally clicks in Max’s brain. Mike is _scared_. He’s acting this way because he’s terrified. And she gets it. She understands.

There’s no control here. There’s no control over the situation or the monster or the way everyone reacts. Mike can’t control his emotions or the choices everyone makes. So, he’s desperately trying to find it where he can.

(Max knows what it’s like to be desperate for some sort of control in a situation. She deals with it every day at home.)

Max swallows heavily as she realizes that she’s been doing the same thing. She’s been nitpicking Mike’s actions because she can’t control anything else. She’s been trying to control the outcome of El and Mike’s relationship.

Mike is a good person. It becomes clear to Max that he just wants to keep El safe. She gets it.

When they’re scavenging for supplies in the general store, she leaves Mike with El to keep the pressure on her leg. Before she comes back, she peeks around the corner and listens in.

Mike is stumbling over his words in a way that El seems to find cute. And El is smiling fondly at him. They seem so happy.

Max has to take a step back, both physically and mentally. She’s intruded too much on their relationship. She thought she knew what was best for them. She thought she was an expert on boys and relationships.

She's a shitty friend.

Now, she sees the truth.

Mike and El function just fine. Maybe a bit odd compared to an average couple, but they’re happy together. Max shouldn’t stir up problems between them. They aren’t the same as Sam and Susan or Susan and Neil or Max and Lucas or Billy and his girlfriend of the week.

Mike has trouble expressing his thoughts. It’s why all the issues started in the first place. But El is intuitive. And they know each other well enough to fix things on their own. It’s not Max’s responsibility or place to tell either of them what to do.

She needs to back off.

She needs to relinquish the need to control.

*****

Billy’s growing further and further away. His skin is infected with black lines and Max struggles to find the humanity in his eyes.

Still, stubborn as ever, she holds her ground. Max begs him to listen to her. She tries to remind him of who he is.

Next thing she knows, she’s waking up with a pounding head. El is gone.

When Mike and her finally reach the main area of the mall, the Mind Flayer is already there. Billy stands at attention to it, El sprawled out in front of him. Before Max can react, fireworks are being shot at the Mind Flayer from above.

She reminds herself to kiss Lucas later for his brilliant idea.

But she watches as Billy drops to hold El down, and it takes everything in her to stay in place. She wants to run and help. But Mike has his arm out for some reason, and she tries to trust his decision.

El reaches her hands up gently to cup Billy’s cheeks. Max watches as the black lines recede from his face. He looks peaceful finally. Almost happy.

Then Billy is standing up. And he faces the Mind Flayer. He puts his body between the monster and El. El takes her chance to scrabble backwards.

A lump catches in Max’s throat. She grabs Mike’s hand without thinking. He squeezes back.

A tentacle shoots towards him. Max stops breathing. Billy grabs it. More shoot out. They claw into his side. Max starts to tremble. A final tentacle slams through his chest. Max doubles over with a scream.

The tentacles recede and Billy flops to the floor like dead weight. Almost in tandem, the Mind Flayer falls as well.

Max walks over to Billy like she’s in a trance. Her ears are ringing. She drops to her knees to the space beside him.

His eyes have already grown dim and lost. Black sludge pours from his body and his mouth. Billy heaves out wet breaths in a panicked gasp for air.

“B-B-Billy. B-Billy. Billy please get up. C'mon Billy please, please, p-please,” Max stutters out, choking back tears.

“I-m... s-orry,” he gurgles.

“Billy....Billy,” she chokes out. Billy starts to make garbled sounds before stilling, silent.

“Billy please wake up, get up, please, Billy!” she pleads.

Her mouth is left gaping and gasping as she registers that he’s not moving. Not breathing. Her lungs inhale choppy sobs. Her entire body trembles.

“Billy! Billy...” she sobs as tears pour down her face. Max shakes him. He doesn’t move.

Her brother. The boy who always protected her. He always took the hits and the yelling and the anger from Neil. He did it to keep her safe. He was good. He was kind deep down. He died to protect El.

He was good.

He’s dead.

Max wails out his name as she collapses further. She feels El’s hands pull at her, and she allows her weak body to fall into her friend’s equally weak arms.

“It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay! It’s okay,” El croons over and over, stroking at her hair.

Max hears footsteps and Lucas whispering, 'I got her'. She’s moved into Lucas’s arms, which are stronger than El’s exhausted ones.

Max tucks her arms in close to herself as she cries, trying to hold herself together as she breaks apart. Lucas holds her close and cups the back of her neck. His cheek presses to her head. She feels safe again.

Military officers storm the building and she’s blinded by bright lights.

*****

Dealing with Billy’s death is... rough. Max has never experienced death before. The loss is a weight bigger than anything she’s ever had to handle before.

Max just gets so _angry_.

Angry at the world for allowing Billy’s life to be so full of pain, angry at Neil for tormenting his son his entire life, angry that Max wasn’t strong enough to protect him or fix him, angry that her mother was too timid to stand up to Neil.

Angry that the monster took Billy away and Hopper away and brought back fear and pain for the friends that she loved dearly. Angry that El lost someone she loved too.

Angry that Max never told Billy that she loved him. Angry that he wasted his last words apologizing to her when she had already forgiven him.

Angry that Neil doesn’t even fucking _care_ that Billy died. He seems almost _happy_.

The lava erupts. It’s maybe five times as destructive as it used to be. Max has to break and shatter and yell to get it all out. It’s childish and ridiculous but she doesn’t know what else to do. It burns at her insides until she lets it out.

At least her friends are understanding. She doesn’t think she’d make it without them. They let her get out her anger safely and help her pull herself back together afterwards.

Of course, she can’t always be angry. Sometimes it feels like all the lava has been drained from her body. And with it, goes her emotions.

On those days, she can’t get out of bed. She lays in her room, curtains drawn, sinking into her warm sheets and soft pajamas and messy hair and quietness.

It’s anything but comforting though. It feels like a weight on her chest. Like lead has replaced her blood. Her head goes staticky like a television.

It feels so pathetic. So stupid that she can’t move and that every breath feels so difficult.

Sometimes she can’t think about anything. Other times, Billy is all she can think about.

But Lucas is there for her. Kind and protective and loving and understanding Lucas. Lucas is good. She loves him. Loves him more than she’s ever loved anyone.

It scares her. Max can’t lose someone else she loves. She won’t be able to take it.

Max tells him all of this when he lays in her bed on depressed days. He holds her from behind and speaks softly in her ear and reminds her of all the good.

“I love you,” she whispers one afternoon. Max feels his body stiffen where he’s spooned behind her.

“I love you Lucas. I do. I’m just... I’m so scared. I’m scared to lose you. I couldn’t bear it. But I don't think I'm good enough for you.”

Lucas is silent for a moment, calculating what he plans to say. Max loves that he thinks before he speaks. It’s something she’s trying to get better at. But right now, it just makes her nervous.

“I love you too Max. I really do. I know this has been really rough. I know your life has been rough. It’s normal to feel scared about losing the things you care about,” he starts before pausing.

“But living in fear does no good. If you’re too scared to live your life carefree because you’re afraid of losing the ability to be carefree, then you’ll waste all your time being unhappy. If you’re scared to love me and be with me because you don’t want to lose me, then you’ll waste all your time with me. You’ve got to stay in the moment and stop worrying about the future.”

They lay in silence for a while.

"And you _are_ good enough Max. You always have been. I know you compare yourself to others all the time. But you shouldn't. There's only one you. And you are smart and funny and sarcastic and beautiful and kind and _good_."

Max blinks softly, digesting the words he spoke. It makes sense. She wants to be happy. She doesn’t want to waste her limited time worrying rather than living. Rather than loving.

She wants to believe that she is good. That she deserves good things, regardless of the bad in her past. That she won't ruin those good things.

Max rolls over in Lucas’s arms and moves so they’re face to face.

“Okay. I’ll try my best. I love you,” she says.

He beams at her and her stomach erupts with butterflies. It’s a good feeling. It’s good to feel something gentle inside besides the lava.

“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Big thanks to @Niko for inspiring me to write this!!
> 
> Max doesn't think she's a good person. She sees the good in everyone else but struggles to see it in herself. Her insecurity causes a lot of her problems.
> 
> It's winter break and I got a new laptop after 8 years :D Hopefully I'll keep up the frequent posting!
> 
> Please tell me if there's any mistakes lol I'm so tired and I don't feel like reading through this another time right now lollllll


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